Test Yer Mettle

How gritty are you, really? Add up your score at the bottom of the test. Now get at ‘er!

Questions:

1. Have you climbed Mt. Lefroy, Mt. Victoria, Pope’s Peak, Mt. Temple, Mt. Whyte, Mt. Stephen, Peaks 3 and 6 in the Valley of Ten Peaks and Mt. Assiniboine?

  • a) Yes, I have done them all in one season (200)
  • b) I’ve done Victoria and the Pope (50)
  • c) Yes, I’ve done it in hobnail boots and a skirt (1000)
  • d) Not if my life depended on it (1000)

2. Have you ever done the dirty in the dirt?

  • a) Yes, I have done it in every season (400)
  • b) I dabble (10)
  • c) I’ve done Victoria and the Pope (50)
  • d) I do what it takes to get the job done (1000)
  • e) Yes, I’ve done it in hobnail boots and a skirt (500)
  • f) No, I always come home before dark (-50)

3. Have you ever been attacked by a wild animal?

  • a) Not yet (0)
  • b) I straight-up got mauled by a cougar (1000)
  • c) I straight-up got mauled by a cougar in a bar (40)

4. How close have you come to killing a wild animal?

  • a) I eat a lot of wild salmon (5)
  • b) I steamroll rabbits on a daily basis (50)
  • c) About this close (24)
  • d) I could have killed a cougar with my bare hands once, but I spared its life (1000)
  • e) A man’s gotta eat (1000)

5. You find a baby lying in the weeds, you:

  • a) Call the local authorities (-10)
  • b) Give it to your friend, she’s barren (1000)
  • c) Pocket the weed, leave the baby (50)
  • d) High-tail it, you know there are wolves nearby (5)

6. What vehicle do you drive?

  • a) 2012 Audi (-100)
  • b) 1978 Wood Buffalo (1000)
  • c) Kona Explosif circa 1993 (25)
  • d) I hoof it (50)
  • e) Recumbent bike (-80)

7. How do you choose what to wear in the morning?

  • a) Clean pickin’s (10)
  • b) Whatever I woke up in (10)
  • c) Only 100% Fair Trade Organic Cotton Handmade Cruelty-Free Free-Range Local Grassfed Hemp (50)
  • d) Canadian tuxedo or nothin (1000)
  • e) I only dress out of obligation (1000)

8. How do you groom your facial hair?

  • a) At home with The “No-No” (-50)
  • b) I have my esthetician on speed dial (-50)
  • c) Straight razor (100)
  • d) It does what I tell it to do (1000)
  • e) The police make bullet-proof vests from my beard trimmings (999)
  • f) Tweezers (1)

9. What is your claim to notoriety?

  • a) More than 10 people like your status updates on a regular basis (3)
  • b) Photo on a milk carton (500)
  • c) You made a movie in the seventies (40)
  • d) The movie you made in the 70’s has earned you sex-symbol status (1000)
  • e) I change the words on the Boston Pizza sign (600)

BONUS: What tool did you use to take this test?

  • a) computer (0)
  • b) paper and pencil (10)
  • c) dinosaur bone and stone tablet (50)
  • d) iPad (1000)
  • e) goats blood (500)

SCORING

1-250: Sorry, please try again.

250 to 1000: Not bad. A kick from a buffalo would help you get up there in the ranks.

1000 to 3000: You have potential!

3000 to 9,999: Strangers and friends get grit in their teeth by shaking hands with you.

10,000 points: Congratulations, you are Rick Guinn.

Post your scores on our Facebook Page! If this test made absolutely no sense to you, reading our Summer 2012 issue may shed some light.